A muallima in a muslim school has adult daughters. From the age of puberty the muallima has insisted that her daughters don the hijaab whenever they leave the home. For the most part they do obey, but there are instances when they are not accompanied by their parents that they remove their outer hijaab. At the age of 26 and 18, they now claim that they had no choice in the matter and were forced to wear hijaab against their wishes!
Matters came to a head recently when they were photographed at a function minus their head scarves, one minus her cloak also.
The photograph was published in a magazine. A concerned relative sent it to the mother who gave her daughters a terrible scolding. It compromises the mother,s role as a muallima giving hundreds of girls under her the targheeb to modest dressing yet her own daughters rebel.
One daughter threatened to take an overdose of sleeping tablets and end her life claiming that she is an utter disappointment and disgrace to her mother.
The mother’s stance remains firm. Under no circumstance can she condone or sanction the daughters removing the hijaab and breaking the laws of Shariah.
Yet she feels like an utter failure as a mother.
What does the mother do? Other than make ernest dua?
Please assist?
Answer
Assalaamu alaykum
The raising of children in this day and age is a form of Jihaad. It requires much relentless sacrifice and heartache. Nonetheless, we should never be despondent. There is always hope for correcting the most challenging of cases.
Our senior Ulama have stressed that this is the age where we have to befriend our children and make them close to us. Today the idea of giving instructions and directives does not work for most children. So instead of merely looking at the scenario from the outside, get under the skin of the problem and find innovative solutions applicable to the specific case. We should make our children our friends. Get involved in the permissible things they like. Have Halaal fun with them as often as possible.
The starting point should be that the laws of the Shari'ah are not open to compromise.
Going beyond that, some of the questions that should be asked:
a. The children were taught the outer manifestations of the Shari'ah, such as beard, hijaab, khurta etc. Were they taught from a young age the fundamentals, such as Love of Allah Ta’ala, Love of His Nabi Sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, the worthlessness of this world, the value of the Aakhirah, and so on? If only the former was taught, and not the latter, there will be a resentment for the outer teachings. If the latter is taught and well engraved in their hearts, then even though they may not be practicing now, they will eventually become practicing. At least they will love, value and respect the outer manifestations of the Shari'ah, even if they are not practicing.
b. Why do the children not take their parents as their friends? Do the parents give sufficient time to their children? Do they sit down and talk about just casual matters? Do they feel confident about their parents company, and are they comfortable to open up. If not, why? A lot more bridges need to be built. Teenagers’ emotions are very complex. They need all kinds of support, attention and care in all aspects of their life.
c. Are the parents genuinely concerned about the children themselves, or are they more concerned the impression that others may have about their children. Parents need to ignore public opinion and rather be engrossed with the actual needs of the individual child.
d. Parents can’t control what the children think, but they can control many of those factors that will influence their thinking – such a TV, Internet, friends, types of gatherings they attend etc. If girls are taken to wedding functions, where others don’t dress or conduct themselves appropriately, it is obvious that young impressionable girls are going to have their mouths water – see so and so is doing such and such – why can’t I have such a lifestyle. But if they are not exposed to these other lifestyles, the apparent glamour won’t twinkle in their eyes. The safest place for young girls is in their home environment or close family members who are themselves Deeni.
e. Dua is often considered obvious. But the question should be posed that how serious is the Dua. One person put it such: If it is not worth getting early at the time of tahajjud for, it is not really important in your life.
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and end her life claiming that she is an utter disappointment and disgrace to her mother.